Sunday, March 28, 2010

PCOS & I

I have been living with PCOS for the past 12yrs and didn’t even know it. Well fortunately for me it was confirmed a few wks ago (March 2010). Fortunately now I know what I am dealign with and can look into ways of treating it.

Two years ago on a visit to my regular doctor he mentioned that I might have PCOS due to the high level of male hormones in my blood and other symptoms. Well me being me paid no attention to it.


I have been having irregular periods over the years and thought oh well this was just part of life. In 2002 when my cycle lasted for over 2mths I decided to see a doctor who placed me on birth control for 2 months, after this every thing event back to normal. Normal meaning having a monthly cycle, then it went from once a month to every 2 months, over the years it became fewer and fewer, like out of 12mths it would be 6mths.

Then comes issue of facial hair- grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Mane this thing began bugging me about the age of 17. I remember a friend saying to me "why don’t you just wax and it will go away", well sad to say it has not gone away. I have tired electrolysis, waxing, laser, shaving. This is sooooooooooo annoying, imagine having to shave twice a week some times more or less depending on what the hormones decides- gesh.

The plus side of this is I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee make up(just ordered an eye shadow with 120 colors hehehehe), I can't do with out it. Every single day I leave the house I need to put on make up - now don't get me wrong I don't always wear a full face, but yeah foundation is a MUST. I know some of you sistahs with PCOS can relate. Common now, I am a black woman so yeah every mark on my skin will show, so I need to do something to cover it up- can't always have folks staring at me like I am some freak. Talking about which, I mean seriously though, why do people just stare and glare at others when they appear different like are you kidding me this is sooooooooooooooo rude. But lets just say I have a love/hate relationship with MAC, L’Oreal and Covergirl.

Can't have one with out the other so the weight. I have gone from a size 4 to a size 10 over the past 3 years, now I am currently a size 8. I know, I know, but I never understood why I would work out try to eat healthy and the weight just kept coming and coming and coming. Talk about depressing. I had friends say to me "uh you too lazy get up and work out", yeah I will admit I was not a big fan of working out but I did what little I could - I tried weight watchers(yeah I did), went to the gym, went running, jogging, walking and the weight was stuck to me like white on rice- gesh. Then I had those who made fun of my spare tire - I mean honestly there were days I looked in the mirror and I was soooooooooo depressed. I mean am trying every thing I can and this weight is not leaving.

Call me vain, conceited, what ever you wish but I mean here I am from a size 4 129lbs to 151lbs size 10 how do you deal with this. Every thing I tried would not fit, I hated going shopping cause I could not find anything which would hide my spare tire, at times I looked as though I were 6wks and counting with child.

I felt like I could not talk to anyone about this cause no one understood me. I felt alone and isolated. There were many times I cancelled on outings with friends because when I looked in the mirror I saw a fat freak, yeah I will admit I had my lows. I love me, I love being me but lets face it I am human not perfect but at times I do pray that I had none of this, that I had never heard of PCOS.

Growing up in a household where eating healthy was emphasized I developed of those eating habits, eating my fruits and veggies etc. I am not a fan of junk food though I have a weakness for twizzlers. do you know what it feels like to give something your all and you see nothing in return yeah that’s me and my eating. I incorporated lots of fibers, grains, nuts healthy oils and all the works into my diet along with working out and uh nothing.

Having this disease is hard, the mind plays games on you. There are days I wonder uh is my make up on ok, can they see the marks on my face, or is this shirt covering my bulge, or I hope they don’t think I am pregnant, or will I be able to have kids in the near future. Two things which motivates, encourages and keeps me going is my faith and the love from my mom. My favorite scripture is Psalms 139. It reminds me of who my creator is, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that he knew me even before I was conceived, that he knew I would have this disease, he knew that I would have my ups and downs. My mom has always been in my life she understands and comforts when I need it with out me even asking.

I am not perfect I still have my highs and lows, PCOS is something I guess I have to deal with for the rest of my life. I just want folks to understand that we are not all the same, its totally not cool to make fun of someone because they look different, you never know how you hurt or affect that individual.

Now if someone were to say to me that I have low self-esteem well get this straight I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you look like, we all have our bad days some just have rougher days than others. I am one of the individuals who could careless what folks say or thing, but then again when it comes from people who "care" about you it hurts. I use those comments to build on, its makes me a stronger person and yeah I do get satisfaction from proving to others that you said I couldn’t do this but look I did it. I tend to match to the beat of my own drum, and not to the beat which society says I must match too- who said you have to do this that way or that that way, who said you cant wear this with that, who said, who said.
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1 comment:

  1. aaaw...I am in the same situation. I've always had PCOS and I also went from a size 4 to 12 and trying to get the weight stable.
    I have my ups and downs but other than that, most of the time, I forget that I have it :)
    I see pcos as my imperfection and don't let it get to me.
    except when i go shopping for clothes! You have a beautiful spirit :)

    ReplyDelete

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